Perfectionism
“Perfectionism / per·fec·tion·ism / pərˈfekSHəˌnizəm / noun / refusal to accept any standard short of perfection.”
I’ve had this idea of my blog taking off and being this grand place for others to find a sense of comfort and relation for a very long time. Instead, I’ve let perfectionism get in my way. Instead of accepting the potential flaws, the design layout not being exactly how I want it or even worried how others may or may not want to come read or enjoy what I have to say I just haven’t done anything with it. Well, aside from keeping up with my 365Grateful posts that is. Typos, words not written correctly or even getting my thoughts out properly at times put a hold on my desire to write and to share my story. NO MORE. Today, I accept my flaws, I accept that though I am not 100% happy with the look of my blog at this present moment and that it doesn’t mean it will stay this way. Everything evolves with time. We ALL evolve with time and I will begin to write more.
When looking up the term “perfectionism” so I could place the definition listed above, a post from Psychology Today popped up.
“For perfectionists, life is an endless report card on accomplishments or looks. It's a fast and enduring track to unhappiness, and perfectionism is often accompanied by depression and eating disorders. What makes perfectionism so toxic is that while those in its grip desire success, they are most focused on avoiding failure, so theirs is a negative orientation. And love isn't a refuge; in fact, it feels way too conditional on performance. Perfection, of course, is an abstraction, an impossibility in reality, and often it leads to procrastination. There is a difference between striving for excellence and demanding perfection. The need for perfection is usually transmitted in small ways from parents to children, some as silent as a raised eyebrow over a B rather than an A.”
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/perfectionism
After reading this I was in awe. “An endless report card on accomplishments or looks”, check. “Often accompanied by depression and eating disorders”, check. “Most focused on avoiding failure”, check. “Love feels way too conditional on performance”, well that’s a hard one to acknowledge, check. And then there is the word that relates ever so close to this blog, “procrastination”, and check.
Well, this is definitely something new to question and ponder about. I knew I had the “perfectionist” gene (if there is such thing) in my life, but I never fully understood it until reading this just now and how it honest to God relates to so much in my life. This term helps to define me. I am a perfectionist, and this has caused me to do or lead my life to be a certain way. A breakthrough this morning? I would say so.
I was prepared to admit that my blog has been withheld due to my strong desire for it to be perfect before getting it out there for the world, but I was not indeed prepared for this. So many aspects of my life have been and were driven and changed because of this. Random moments are popping into my head… Quitting band in 7thgrade because I was making the second chair and not first, believing I could never be as good or live up to my sister’s reputation and talent. Not telling my niece bedtimes stories because they wouldn’t make perfect sense. My eating disorder I struggled with for nearly 10 years of my life because I didn’t feel I was the perfect form of beauty. All aspects of every form of artistry I endeavored; painting, photography, sewing, beauty product making, candle making, cutting glass bottles into glasses, crocheting etc. I stopped all of these. Always questioning myself. Always feeling I wasn’t good enough, that a certain piece wasn’t perfect. That my editing wasn’t the best it could be. Bouncing from one thing in my life to the next searching for a new excitement or endeavor but then detouring away because I wasn’t perfect at it.
Wow.
I don’t need to perfect. All I need is to be happy. All I need to do is be the best version I can be of myself. To love myself as I am. To love and accept my flaws. To know that each and every individual here on earth is uniquely different and that is f*cking beautiful (pardon my French).
From this day forward, I no longer, I will actively try to no longer withhold perfectionism in my life. That means to fully let go of the comparing and judging of myself to others. It’s time to just let things go and be how they are supposed to be and accept me, all of me, for who I am.