Happy 1st Birthday
Happy 1st Birthday - day 1 / 6 months / 1 year
One year sobriety / September 10, 2017
This past year has been one amazing and incredibly challenging adventure. Today is my "first birthday" from the day I decided to change my life, from the day I sat in the Cancun airport with a broken toe, hungover beyond belief and sunburned to all hell. I've learned a lot and I've grown so much as an individual and as a person. I am finally truly happy from the inside and I finally love myself.
In the past year, I have learned to embrace life. I’ve learned that there is so much more than being numb. I’ve had to fight my head in so many ways, but with the fighting, I have been able to accept all of me. I have learned to overcome my really bad days (though sometimes incredibly challenging), the anxiety, and the racing thoughts. I finally have a positive outlook on life. I now am able to simply observe life and accept it for what it is. I have my own light that shines, and I admire greatly those that shine from their own light as well. I now know that I am no longer stuck. There is nothing that I cannot change or accomplish in life.
I am not embarrassed to share my story. I'm not embarrassed to say that I was addicted to altering my mind. Addicted to the numbing. Addicted to not being 100% present 100% of the time. I did not grow up in a household where alcohol was around or where addiction was known, but I did grow up in a time where alcohol was portrayed heavily by the media as the only way to have fun and to enjoy life. This is something I have learned now to not be true. It is simply media advertising and a trickery of the mind. I wish someone would have told me differently when I was younger (who knows, they may have, and I just didn't listen), but no matter what alternating mind substance you choose, it's not worth it. I wish I would've known better or possibly I wouldn't have been lost down the dark and lonely path of addiction.
The first 30 days were so difficult I'm not even sure how I came out of it. They say making a habit takes 30 days and so does breaking it. I learned to keep myself busy and to change my activity at night during times I would normally be making my decision to escape. This was so incredibly challenging that some days I had to go to bed as soon as I got home from work. I also had to avoid others that may not have been the best influence at the time and I had to remove myself from situations that may have tempted me otherwise. I made it.
The next process of having to learn to be social again or going to bars/restaurants in which others would be drinking or where I would have normally been drinking were also very challenging. Each situation was a new learning experience. From the dinners out to the birthday/celebration events at bars, the hanging out with friends at home or even the first beach vacation sober. I didn't know how I would surpass these times or ever become comfortable in my own skin to be social AND sober. But I did it. Each new situation makes the next that much easier. It took about 8 months, but it is finally no longer hard to be around others who choose to drink. I am happy being who I am.
Two months before I got sober I quit taking my psychiatric medication. When I got sober I was still in the process of detoxing from this medication and having to finally acknowledge my head, my anxiety, and my mood swings were an entirely different level of experience than I had known. I would no longer allow myself to pop a pill to calm me and I know for those around me it must have been very difficult. Nights I would cry my eyes out not knowing why or the nights where the irritableness would build inside that I felt like a volcano about to erupt. I have had to learn what my true emotions are and how to work through them. The anxiety is far from completely gone, but I'm learning to be more vocal about my feelings and to communicate. I now speak and work with my mind, no longer against it.
As I reflect on this past year I can now say I have no desire to turn back. I have discovered that life is worth much more than numbing or escaping myself and that I no longer have to fight with the demons in the dark. I have and will continue to discover so many new things in life that make me happy. If it wasn't for my sobriety I would have never gotten out of my comfort zones (the everyday bars/restaurants or couch time) and I would never have been on so many new adventures (hiking, backpacking), discovered many new activities I enjoy (running, indoor surf workouts, paddle boarding, bike riding) or pushed myself into social situations I wouldn't have done prior. I have gained back some of my confidence I had once lost. I have learned to eat better to feel better and continue to challenge myself in regard to my physical activity and fitness level. I am in the best shape I have ever been in. I never would have thought I could feel this great both physically and mentally (most days).
I know I will still cross my demons occasionally and that I will have to continue to overcome challenges in life, but I now know I can do it. I know I can do anything. For those that have surpassed their own year of sobriety I imagine you may know what I am speaking about here, and for those on their first month I promise it WILL get easier and it is SO very worth it. It IS possible to recover. It IS possible to say NO. You've got this. I've got this. We've got this.
2016 was my awakening. 2017 has been my discovering. I am finally free. I am finally me.
My one-year chip.
A gift to myself