7.5 Months Sober
Journal Entry from late April 2017 at 7.5 months sober
I wish I could explain it, but I can't. When you let the power go from altering your mind and numbing yourself you begin to see and feel things differently in life. It is beyond scary at first. Everything begins to ignite a different flame inside. You see the world differently. You experience things differently.
For example - A *enter drunken moment* which was once perceived as fun, but a). Either not remembered fully in the morning or b). Regretted the next day for whatever reason.
Now, I am able to feel everything. I am able to decide and only do what I truly want to do at that exact moment. No numbness to just go along with the flow or make a poor decision. I also remember things more clearly.
Marriage is hard. I'm sure most married people can relate to that statement in some way. Marriage is about two individuals who make a commitment to each other. Two entirely different people say they are giving their own time and space for another person and being there for that person during times of growth and change. I wish that the hard times weren't so hard and that some of the fights and down feelings in regard to the relationship never existed, but I think again that I would be in the same situation with anyone else (meaning with another relationship). Times do indeed get difficult and hard but maybe communication is really all we need to improve on.
Communication is something I've been discovering. I once numbed every feeling inside of me. I drowned out my inner voice to the numbness. Anytime I felt uneasy or anxious, boom, I had a fix for that... I drowned it out and didn't have to deal with it. Now, I feel my emotions and in the beginning, it was truly scarier than anything I had ever experienced. But you learn to deal with them. You learn as a child learns. Each time a new situation or feeling is brought on for whatever reason you use your knowledge of what you have learned in the past as well as something new for the current situation at hand. This is, what I call, relearning living life sober. At first, everything brings you to the fight or flight feeling. Flight to the alcohol / drugs / or whatever your numbing choice was will be the initial reaction and feeling. But when you are sober and really ready to commit 100% this time, you fight. Feel everything. Embrace the crazy anxiety creeping up from your inner stomach making you want to pass out. Embrace the anxiety and fully know you will get past this moment and YOU WILL come out stronger than you ever have before.
My addiction was once fun. I once enjoyed being "relaxed" also referred to as "numb" to the world. It came to a point that enough was enough. I was no longer happy. I was no longer having fun. I was blacking out all too often. I was no longer in control. I had lost myself and I was in a path of killing myself.
I wish I knew the exact moment that I woke up. I can think of several events that made me wonder what the fuck I was truly doing with my life. How I had gotten to where I was at. I finally realized I was slowly killing myself from the inside out from the toxins/poisons. I also realized I had been stunting my own personal growth as the person I was supposed to become. All the above reasons and more woke me up and I realized I wanted to be better. I wanted to be a better wife, stepmother, friend, daughter, sister, auntie, cousin, coworker/employee etc. I ultimately wanted to be a better me.
I've still got a way to go, but the past 7.5 months have been surreal and an ever-challenging but growing time. Some days I'm scared, what if I keep changing to this better, happier, and healthier me, and what if some of those around me don't... but I can't deal with the “what ifs.” I can only be in the now. Today is today. I don't know what will happen later down the road. One day at a time. Slow and steady. Moment by moment. No longer numb.