6 Months Sober

Sobriety is a journey. It is a process that one will only understand once they are going through it. There are certain stages and parts of sobriety that everyone goes through. We all process things differently and each journey will be unique to the individual. I was lucky, well I wouldn’t say lucky, but I had hit my own “rock bottom” and knew that this was where my heart and soul wanted to go. I knew it was time. Others may find that they question their habits “Do I really have a problem?” and will continue to drink, denying that they cannot control their choices. The addiction will win until the soul decides it is time to fight. The only person that can truly decide if someone has a problem, is the individual, him/herself.

I shared this post when I hit 6 months of sobriety. It makes my heart flutter with love, joy, and happiness reading this now at nearly 23 months. The first year was so very hard, but it was also a rush and almost a feeling of being high while finding myself and discovering a person that was buried beneath the numbing for far too long.

6 months sober

6 Months / 3.10.17

How do I view today?

6 months ago, I made a decision. 6 months ago, I decided to change a huge part of my life. 6 months ago, I sat at the Cancun airport forcing myself to have a margarita in order to fight back a horrible hangover, trying to cover the pain from a broken toe as well as an excruciating sunburn and to hide myself from feeling the horrible anxiety that was kicking in beyond belief. The photo on the left is me sitting at that bar in the airport on 9/10/16.

6 months ago, I had no idea of who I would become today. 

It has been far from easy, but as more and more days and now months pass it becomes just a tad bit easier. Breaking the habit was the worst. Acknowledging my feelings and emotions was beyond challenging. Social situations in which I normally would have been drinking were incredibly difficult. I have made it to today at 6 months sober. It was the best decision I could have ever made.

I lost myself years ago and have now begun to find this person I never knew existed as she was buried beneath the numbness. She has always been there and was once around when I was young, but her voice was eventually drowned out. Now she is emerging. She is teaching me about self-love. She is teaching me about true happiness within myself. She is teaching me that nothing is impossible and that you don’t have to be stuck in the position where you are at if you don’t want to be there. You can change things if you put your mind to it. You just have to truly try and truly believe you can do it.

Change is hard. It is scary not just for yourself, but others around you. When you know something for so long (or not know something) it is frightening thinking of the unknown. I did this for no one other than myself. It was time. Last year (2016) was my awakening. This year (2017) is my discovering. 

I continue to choose to share this journey because I’m hoping it may touch or help someone else. I am currently still struggling with mental health and getting sober didn’t seem possible nor appeal to me to be an option. True happiness and managing my mental health on my own never crossed my mind to be attainable to me. Don’t get me wrong, I still struggle some days but the better days and the happiness I now feel often are what keeps this fire inside me going. I’ve thought about having just that “one” drink, but who am I kidding… that “one” drink will be THE drink that will cause me to lose myself again.

I wish I could relive the moments of my life. I see amazing photos of places where I have been or special times I have shared with people in my life, but the memory and feelings are foggy. I know it was a great time, but I really wish I could go back and experience those moments again sober and clear-headed, but it’s not too late. The time is now. It is time to continue going forward. It is time to feel my emotions and experience what true happiness (and equally sadness) is. It is time to take that next adventure and continue on this healthy journey to becoming who I am supposed to be. 

She may have been buried for a while, but today she is now more alive than ever. (Photo on right 3/10/17).